Everybody know that that's like. I have this one friend, bless his heart, whom I love dearly. He's always been there for me and I consider him a best friend. And he was in love with me for years. It was really hard to balance that, for both of us, and now I know what it must have been like for him. Because, I had a Realization: my baby doesn't love me.
Not to say that she won't, someday, love the stuffing out of me. But, right now, she's as oblivious as Lindsay Lohan. She knows who I am, sure, but she isn't capable of loving me back just yet. I'm not going to lie, it hurts. It sucks to know that she's only smiling because of the totally ridiculous look on my face and the high pitch of my voice. It sucks to know that she's learning that I'll take care of her when she cries, but she has no capacity to appreciate it. I feel a bit exploited. I feel like she's playing me to get what she wants, almost. Like a teenage girl will string along a gamer boy just to reap the benefits of his unchecked regard for her. Is that normal?
Hell, we'll just call it normal to silence my neuroses. Some of them, at least. What if she never loves me the way I love her? And, similarly, what if it's not possible for her to love me the way I love her? What if she eventually treats me the way I treat my mother - like a distant, crazy relative? One day, I'll have to stop marveling at her toes and kissing her tummy and ruffling her hair. Because she won't want me to do those things anymore, one day. One day, she'll hold her friends' opinions in higher regard than she does mine. And, one day, she just might (heaven forbid) tell me she hates me in a fit of anger. My heart is already breaking just thinking about it.
And, just like that wawkward (not a typo: a contraction of "weird" and "awkward") teenage gamer boy, I'm moved to care for her unendingly. I want to write her letters explaining how perfect she is. I want to write poetry about her eyes and her smile. I want to make playlists and mixed CDs and never stop talking about her. And she just wants someone, anyone, to wipe the poo off her butt. Ah, love.
Saving Jane - Come Down to Me
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
U2 - Wild Honey
Hanson - Sure About It
Macy Gray - I'm So Glad You're Here
Angels and Airwaves - The Adventure
Beatles - Two Of Us
Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline
Katrina and the Waves - Walking on Sunshine
Beyonce - Halo
Yellowcard - Miles Apart
Brandi Carlile and Elton John - Caroline
Ari Hest - Caught Up In Your Love
Athens Boys Choir - Daffodils and Macrame
Avett Brothers - Ballad of Love and Hate
Billie Holiday - Blue Moon
Bing Crosby - It Had to Be You