Friday, August 27, 2010

More Power to the Duggars (and other realizations)

Sweet Jesus, Mary and Giuseppe, I have no idea how Michelle Duggar does it. I ought to send her an Edible Arrangement or something equally useless in homage. She's practically the contemporary patron saint of pregnancy - move over St. Gerard!

This realization stems from my lovely postpartum checkup. And, by "lovely," I mean "incredibly uncomfortable on multiple levels." Ostensibly, this visit is a chance for the mother to ask any questions she may have about the healing process and for the doctor to determine that said process is progressing normally. In real life, though, the appointment has two purposes: to evaluate birth control options and to give the new mom a green light to resume having sex. Let's just break this down, shall we?

I've just spent nine months growing a baby, 5 of them hugely pregnant. I've peed myself due to the pressure exerted on my bladder. I've pushed a child out of my womb, tearing the remains of my hymen out with her. I've had stitches in places needles should never go. I've sat on ice packs and taken painkillers. And now, just as I'm feeling better, some gynecologist wants to shove a forearm into me and push on my belly. Then she says that I can resume normal intercourse - as if I'd even want to think about it after all of this!! They really ought to wait and talk about birth control after the exam, since it would at that point be moot. Realization: my doctor has more faith in my recovery than I do, but maybe that's because it wasn't her that got the stitches...

Which brings me back to our Our Lady of Perpetual Nursing: Michelle Duggar. This woman is fully committed to an almost masochistic degree. She has given birth, on average, about every 18 months. If she spends nine of those months pregnant, she conceives 9 months postpartum. Is she some kind of sex machine, or will I also be back to normal by my 9-month mark? My perception is probably just skewed because it's only been 7 weeks. Michelle Duggar is probably just like everyone else. Still, maybe best to send that fruit basket just in case. Can't hurt to cover your bases, right?

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